Tuesday, November 8, 2011

polka dot plots and other pit falls

Whoa! I never blog! I wouldn't even call myself a blogger anymore. Complete disgrace! Partially because I don't know what to write. Also because I do and I don't want to write it. I have recently been more inspired to journal. I have a more private journal hidden away on my computer. But I've even slacked off on that. So much has been going on. The main theme of whats been going on is there is a lot of leaving my comfort zone, decision making, and all around scary stuff (not to be confused with bad things though. At least not completely). I feel like the last few posts I made I looked like I was getting back on a blogging role. Apparently not! There is still so much I am not completely willing to share. A couple main things I haven't even shared with people in my immediate family (not pregnant. not married. not breaking up with Shane).

School is getting closer and closer to being over. By over I mean I will be FINALLY done with the horrible community college system! I have 2/3 weeks left of my first half of stats. That means next semester I will FINALLY be in a transferrable math! I can't believe it. The math itself is not even the hard part. The hard part is not consciously or sub-conciously self sabotaging myself! My aunt recently pointed this out to me. At first I got really upset and my face got hot and I wanted to walk out of the restaurant. Thankfully I'm not a jerk and didn't walk out and forced myself to chill out. I accepted the fact that she was right. Isn't it funny how the truest things are usually the most infuriating to hear?! Or the best decisions are the hardest to make. Life is the pits man. Well, after my math I have two classes left and I'm like the wind baby! Its such a scary thing. I briefly allow myself to be excited and then FREAK OUT WITH ANXIETY!!

Going to church a lot. Its a real new thing to me, sorta. This church is at least. I like it. Actually love it the majority of the time. Its the first time I have felt at home. The first time I have felt un-judged. The first time all this stuff makes sense. I like not feeling like if I miss a Sunday or slip up in some minute way I wont go to hell in a hand basket. Its a huge commitment though. I want to make sure I can make it whole heartedly. My newest shtick is watching all the other people for examples of behavior. But you know, I think its all so personal. Everyone is, shockingly, pretty individualistic here. Thats about as much detail I want to go into. Save it for the personal journal. If any of you out there want to know more you can email me individually (cmee76 AT gmail DOT com).

Shane and I are hanging in there. We are still trying to work out how everything for us works. Having a healthy relationship with nothing to go off of and no skills is nearly impossible I'll tell you. I was taught to bail at the first sign of trouble (or red flags as my mom calls them).  Keeping my bitchy bitch in check is always rough. I am no stranger to saying some pretty nasty things. Shane has issues keeping his priorities lined up. Has a problem saying NO to people (which is why he is currently elbow deep, I assume, in nightmareish electric for a friend). We're rearranging some things to see what works better. He still has a lot of growing up to do and I probably have some growing down to do (sometimes I forget...no...never know...no...am incapable of relaxing....always).

Hopefully I will start doing this more consistently. Hope your Halloweens were awesome and you eat too much delicious food for Thanksgiving!!


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