Speechless...almost

Today was no better.
I went to the gym for the first time since I have been sick, which is about a week.
I decided on the way back, however I love that gym, I can't go there anymore. Its such a great personable gym, I love the key cards you have to have to get in, no contract all that. But its right by my ex boyfriends house which was horribly convenient when we were together and now that we aren't well...it's quite a trek from where I live.
I was shocked that my work out didn't raise my spirits at all. Work outs for me usually do. I just have too much on my mind. I have mentioned the math. School being a stressor is by far #1 on the reasons as to why I am the lowest I have been in awhile. Number 2 is that I am sick of feeling like a horrible human. I just wish I had the ability to only care about myself. I wish I never had any emotion towards anyone but me. Honestly, I am horribly depressed at the prospect that there are no such thing as a male that could care for anyone but himself. I see my dad and he cares for his wife, he secretly cares for my sister and is only just now going public with his care for me. Other than that, I have no example of this elusive caring, tender, thoughtful, good hearted man that I see on TV or in books.

By far, the worst week I have had since I can't even remember. I don't want to go into too much more detail. I just wish I had someone understanding and caring around. Or just some math help.

PS.
If you read this. I wish I was you. Because I would have no clue what it was to hurt someone so badly.