My Girls

Via

Via

As I age ever so gracefully new things seem to pop up grabbing my attention. My first grey hairs being one of them (I know I'm 25 and I have like 3 grey's WTM?!). I am slowly starting to become more in tune with my body and mind. I feel I am gaining important wisdom about being a woman that I would even pass on to younger generations. Something that has been popping up more frequently is the fact that I am lacking girlfriends (ya know? friends that are girls...duh!). When I was younger I didn't have a slew of these. I actually hung out with mostly guys. As a result I feel I missed out on a lot of crucial "girl" stuff. I swear it seems I get seriously down in the dumps because I am lacking that female connection you get from having a best girly girl friend. I have had a few that I was semi close to in the past. This I feel also stems off of me being an only child. I really have always wanted an older sister to show me "the ways" of girldom. You'd think having a hairdresser mom and grandma they'd sort of pick up the slack.

So that being said how do you make girlfriends? There's no OkCupid for friends. Are you supposed to walk up to someone and say, "hey your cool lookin. Wanna hang?" Thats just creepy. Even Shane says to me "maybe you'll meet someone at school?" Yeah, most the people around me are 18 or something. Thats also kinda creepy (no offense youngens). I honestly don't know. What I do know is I am dying to have a girlfriend to get girly with. I miss having a girls lunch. Spending a little extra time in front of the mirror playing with make up (I mean I was a make up artist for 5 years and I hardly ever touch the stuff anymore). I am grateful that I have Shane's sister Stevie from time to time. Its actually really neat. We go about once a month and get a pedicure (in this case mani pedi's. It was HEAVEN!).  What are your experiences? How have you met your friends? Basically I am hoping and praying I am not the only girl who has experienced a girlfriend drought. I don't care if your 16 or 25 a girl still needs to be silly and have a slumber party (no boys allowed of course) complete with green face masks, nail polish, and sappy movies!

Uh.

This weekend Shane and I are headed up to the ol' family farm for my step sisters wedding. I would be excited right now except for my dear cat friend Raybeez has some sort of bladder infection. I've had to put a cat down due to an advanced one in the past, and I'm a little scarred. So needless to say I completely LOST IT when Raybeez started acting up! I have so much to do tomorrow before we leave! I canceled my morning bike ride with Jimmy and I hope and pray that I can get Mr. Beez in to the doc early. Sometimes I think my friend Jimmy and I are still friends because we have a few things in common and have been friends for so long. But I feel a little better to know that when I need my big bro Jimmy to come with me to the vet for emotional; support he's there. I've finally convinced myself enough that Raybeez is going to be fine to get some shut eye. I hope part of my freak out was fueled by PMS. I'll be lame and blame most the crying on it... ha! Why not?!

Have a GREAT weekend guys!!!

PS. If you could send warm fuzzes, prayers, thoughts for my Beez we'd be so grateful! I'm sure I am just over reacting.

More to Love

I feel like the shackles are gone! I am free to spread my writing wings and fly! Free at last free at last! I have some many topics I have been holding back on for so many stupid reasons. Which to start hmmm? Whats on my mind this very moment. Something that just right now popped into my head as I scan some recently tagged photos of myself on Facebook is this; I am far too hard on myself when it comes to my weight. Especially with this issue I feel like I want to be some kind of activist and scream from the roof tops. I get so upset when this topic comes up because it always boils down to the same thing. How other people (more specifically mainstream culture) make me feel.

By Russian or Croatian standards I didn't grow up in a Russian/Croatian household. Well math those standards! By MY standards I did. There are some parts that mesh very closely with traditional mind sets. Living in Sacramento you bump into a lot of Russians and the one topic that seemed to be similar hands down was food and weight. This is how it works in, what seems like, most eastern european homes. If you eat too much and get fat, or plump or curvy or whatever you want to call it Baba will say something like this, " oh you've been eating a lot lately?" or some indirect snide remark about being fatter. Or in the case of when I was 18 call you just plain fat. Don't get me wrong, I love her and dismiss this as cultural. Baba wont be the last one to say something if you are looking skinny (this is not typically a good thing in Baba's mind... Following still?). I tell you though, the moment you are looking slimmer (or not, it really doesn't matter) this woman will offer you every speck of food she has in the house. Refusal is NOT an option. You take a lot or a little. Shane can very much vouch for this. Upon first meeting Baba I recall begging him to take something or she would never stop offering.

Thats where it started. Believe that body image is genetic. This Baba tactic was used on my mom and so it was used on me. I can bet you it was used on my Baba and my Dida and all my family. Boys however don't seem to get it as much. As a result of all this negative body image mess I was born (or rather my self loathing was). I can't name a single day in which I  felt good about myself. I have fluctuated weight all my life. Not to mention I didn't have the easiest growing spurts as a youth. No one ever told me to love myself no matter the size of my jeans or what the scale said. I don't think anyone around me knew to say anything like that. So now, as a 25 year old woman, I do nothing but pick myself apart. Every time I look in the mirror, or at a picture, or anything! I try not to focus on scales (I weigh myself maybe three times a year!). I sure as hell try to ignore the number on the clothes I'm trying on. Buy what fits (thats a struggle).

How am I supposed to successfully go into a store, especially since women's sizing is completely inconsistent, and not walk out feeling terrible!? There is a place in me that is screaming, " this is wrong! Size 10, 4, 6, 8 it doesn't matter!!! Like, no LOVE, the body you have. Its OTHER PEOPLE making you feel bad and FAT!" But there is an overwhelming voice thats had years of hold on me saying, " you really need to run more (which is totally true)" "You should watch what you eat more" "your thighs need to be slimmer" "you can't wear that your stomachs not flat enough". I feel like with this outside societal reinforcement telling us, me, that I need to look a certain way its a loosing battle. I'd have to never buy another magazine, never turn on the TV, and never look on the internet. How do you cut yourself off from society?! I don't know about in other states but California is really bad about it. The "California girl" is so perpetuated!

Oh, BTW, my good friend Stephanie got married. Yaaay!

So as I sit here picking my body apart in these pictures I get happy when that little voice creeps in saying "your arms aren't as fat as you think they are. And even so, you look really good in that picture or in that dress. Why are you so hard on yourself?"

A little more real

I haven't been posting on here AT ALL! Its kind of ridiculous. Especially because I have so wanted to write about everything thats going on. Writing for me is so very theraputic. Its helpful to get my thoughts all out of my head so I can see them and work them out. I want to write on here. Part of me is conflicted about this because what I have been going through is something I would consider private. But I love blogging. I feel like the dirty, tough, not to pleasant things in life are so rarely talked about in public. Plus, there are times when I read a blog post that someone else shared that helped me so much with something I may be going through. Case in point Chloe posted a notable one that really touched me.

Things don't always turn out the way you planned them to. You may end up doing something you never EVER could have expected. I found myself sitting in church last Sunday thinking, "I am sitting in this particular church. I can't believe I am here." But its good! Its not easy but when you think about it, who ever said it was going to be? The only person, or being if you will, that knows your lifes plan is God. Its so hard to remember when you are in the middle of a really challenging time that He will never put you in a spot you wont be able to handle and come out of stronger. I've found a home at church but its still such an adjustment period. I was so afraid of judgement and whats most interesting is I never got any judgement from those at church, but from those who are not church members. Part of me wants to talk publicly about my experiences to show that its not all scary. But a larger part of me wants to be Caitlin who happens to go to church not the other way around.

There are two things I clearly remember my Mom telling me as a child. There are a lot of things my parents left out about growing up, but here are two that stuck out. First, don't ever depend on a man. Now I agree with this. Women should not completely rely on their boyfriend, husband whatever. My Mom's mistake is that she didn't ever explain this. So I took her advice literally (what did I expect?! I was a kid). Second, she told me that everything should just work perfectly and everything should click and you shouldn't fight. WOW! Everything about that statement is NOT TRUE! At least from what I have experienced thus far. Shane and I fight. I blow things out of proportion.

I just really want to get back to laying out my thoughts a little more on this blog. I get caught up in trying to make it look pretty and be really happy, but honestly, we all know thats not REAL. So I guess I'd like to try and be a little more real. I love to write. Like I said its really therapeutic for me. Not being concerned about offending someone or saying too much or too little or not being particularly cheery has really stunted my therapy. No longer will I let that happen! Huzzah!!!

Words Wednesday. No pictures for you!

I have like four posts drafted and nothing posted. I have had so much going on the past few months I really don't know where to begin. It really all started spinning out of control after our last trip to Oregon. Not in a bad way. Just in a busy way. This is the first few weekends Shane and I don't have anything planned. Anyway, I've had the urge to just write. Thanks to all these math classes I feel that I have gotten out of touch with my minute flair for writing. The other day I was thinking about how much I loved just writing. Nothing in particular. I am a fabulous rambler actually. However, when I was thinking about writing I did have a certain thought in my head. This probably came up because I was in the kitchen cooking dinner. I struggle with something. I bet a lot of women struggle with this, but maybe not. My struggles can be compared to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Miss Mee (thats my actual last name) and Mrs. Mee-Crocker if you will. Or even likened to the little angel and devil on your shoulder. Except I have a little susie homemaker on one side and a 21st century part-feminist on the other.

One side of me (the most outward side I'd say) is a working gal (not that kind...you know, red lights...no. I mean a lady with a job.). I am anxious to have a career, make a difference in the world, get a BA in something (or even a PhD), pay for stuff I want with hard earned cash. I want to go out with the girls and hang with the guys. I am already very independent. My mom always told me as a kid, "never depend on a man". Words that were a blessing and a curse. I want a voice in my relationship. I don't ever want to be told what to do.

On the other hand part of me loves the idea of staying home once I have kids. I find happiness in having a nicely set table and dinner cooking for my loved ones. If you've seen my Pinterest you'd probably be able to tell how domestic this side is from my "Handy Dandy" board. When I envision my susie homemaker side she isn't so extreme. I'm not the type to go to college for an "Mrs degree" or turn into some poodle skirt wearing Stepford wife. But I take so much pride in decorating my home and being a good baker and cook. I find so much happiness in making something with my hands that make others happy. I find a strength in sharing recipes with my Baba and with other passionate cooks.

The biggest debacle is finding a way to balance these two sides. I am still trying. Sometimes I turn too much into susie and end up burning myself out (ever happen to you?). I also have a tendency to work too hard and immerse myself in school, or what have you, that I get carried away and forget to pay attention to others needs or wants. This is truly an open ended thought here. I have a feeling the answer to this is a constant battle to balance the two. Hopefully when I am done with school and working in my desired career I can pave the way for Susie to take over. Until then... the battle must wage on.

Have any of you suffered from this syndrome? What is your strategy?