Against the Stream

I read something today that may have changed my life. When I went to SCC I loathed the schools newspaper. Over the years I have learned to just walk right past any newer editions. Reading that paper put you at risk of being bombarded by horrible english, and in many cases, terribly offensive articles. Today, was different. Different school different day different paper. I had a bunch of time to kill after my (terrible) french test. I grabbed a copy of the Sacramento News and Review, the UC Davis Extension and the ARC newspaper (why the heck not!?). I sat down and started reading the front cover. Read a pretty decent article about a recent protest at the capital and plans for the upcoming one on March 22nd (which I will be attending and am so excited!). 

Click picture for more info on Geshe Thupten Phelgye

I was initially drawn to the paper because of the big pictures of a happy little buddhist monk on the cover. I have been interested in buddhism for the past few years after reading Dharma Punx and Noah Levin's second book Against the Stream (both books I highly recommend!).  I have really been struggling with life since my break up 2 months ago. The most recent installment of road bumps concerning the break up has been the left over anger and confusion I harbor towards him. A constant question of "why?". Feeling like I am living in such chaos in my mind as a result. I have been thinking of ways to start practicing meditation again. I had difficulty keeping thoughts out of my head and navigating through all the noise. School, me, love, family, school, me love, family..ahhh!


" Isolation is not necessary for meditation. Real mediation is not about blocking out...in the face of your enemy is the time to meditate." said Geshe Thupten Phelgye.


The only thing that leaves me hanging, which I will meditate on is, if meditation is not about blocking out, then what is it? Are we embracing the noise? I have read that when your mind starts to drift during meditation you acknowledge that it has drifted, said to yourself that its ok and simply and peacefully bring your attention back to the breath. Dr. Phelgye also says that most of the suffering we endure is a result of ignorance. Ignorance is the lack of knowledge, education or awareness. I decided that "A" is a test. When I met him I felt comfortable in my practicing of this philosophy. I thought I had things figured out with life when I met A. I feel it has nothing to do with him itself but gaining the knowledge and awareness of dealing with noise and compassion when I am uneasy or feel wronged. I have had a lot of thoughts on him and this entire ordeal in the past few days. I feel like slowly its becoming really clear. When it all comes down to it, life is really what Dr. Phelgye says in the article, "peace, love, and compassion." I will strive to my dying day to have those for all things and people through knowledge and education.


Have you ever studied this? Do you have any good links or suggestions to resources on meditation and buddhist philosophy? I am regaining such an appetite for this again.

I'm Guilty.

I was innocently talking to another classmate after ballet about finding a place to do ballet outside of ARC. She was giving me the information for a place she dances and teaches at when I felt it.
I felt eyes on me.
The weather has been really nice here this week. Picnic weather no doubt. We had a skills test in ballet in which we would be knocked down if we didn't wear specific colored tops (I wore my only clean shirt out of the colors which was pink and short sleeved, very very comfy too).
I had noticed this much older lady shove her way past another classmate of mine to get to a chair placed at the side of the room. The chair was right by where my classmate and I were chatting. I noticed this lady was very rude to my other classmate. She was coming in for the stretching class following our ballet class.
I looked over at her and noticed her eyes working me over. I looked back at my classmate and continued talking about the information for the upcoming adult ballet classes. I still felt eyes burning through me. So I looked the lady directly in the eyes. I always try and give people the benefit of the doubt that they can't be so rude as to stare intently at me. I wondered if she simply had a stigmatism, because despite that I was looking her in the eyes, she never looked at my face. Finally my classmate noticed my distraction by her and questioningly at her as well. The lady finally piped up and asked, "did that hurt putting them things on you?" in a manner in which she had no clue she was being rude by staring at me for the past 5 mins and interrupting my conversation with my friend. I sat quite for a moment. Trying to contain myself. I wanted to say something a long the lines of "don't you think its rude to stare?" Instead I said "Actually it didn't hurt one single bit." I reassured her that I felt completely nothing when I got my tattoos. I typically am used to this. I realize its my fault for getting such brightly colored drawings on my arms. I do my best to be pleasant when speaking to someone. I try and speak articulately, possibly burst any stereotypes about tattooed people (or women specifically). That all being said, I want to let anyone who reads this to know:

The only reason I hate my tattoos and am pondering spending thousands of dollars to remove years of work is because of people like her. The hundreds of people who look at me like I am a freak. Who are too dumb to realize that in order to apply a tattoo you must be pierced from anywhere to 2 or so to 12 tiny needles. I would say its safe to assume it hurts. I don't really care to be stared at. No I didn't do it for attention, honestly, I wish they were invisible. I wish I would have gotten all these pieces done on canvas and kept them in my bed room for no one to see because they mean something to me or I like them. I don't care what you think. I appreciate it if you didn't fucking stare at me. I say these specific things because by far its the single question I get asked most. "Did that hurt?" YES YES YES! The only varying factor is sometimes, it doesn't hurt as much as other spots. Other people are sensitive and others, not so much. But it ALWAYS hurts, even if its a little. I also hate being asked about them period. I don't ask you about your tan, blonde hair, dumb facial piercings, I don't assume you got your tongue pierced because you give a bunch of head. I mind my own business. I would appreciate the same. Anyway...

I believe this one is the "High Hat". Delicious meringue icing. Like my coffee cup reference on height?

I try not to let this get me in a mood. However, this lady was completely rude and interrupted me. My Aunt Ruby is in town so I feel like poo. My allergies give me a headache. I just didn't want to be bugged today. I promptly bought myself some cupcakes and moped in the house. My allergies are retarded thanks to this lovely weather and I don't feel like going to the gym.

(Lavender frosting on a honey soaked vanilla cupcake from Babycakes. I love them)

 I don't even know how it feels to like my tattoos anymore thanks to others. If you are a tattooed lady I would love to know your feelings on this. How do you feel about others staring you down? I mean I could write an entire blog on peoples reactions to me alone!

I love the smell of real lavender.

I can't think of a title to describe how I am feeling right now.

The last week and part of the weekend I felt lower than I have in years.

I really didn't even want to exist anymore I felt so terrible.

Sadly, a lot of it is an ongoing difficulty to calm the waters for long periods of time with ex boyfriend.

We were/are trying to be friends. It's new uncharted waters for me in the first place.

What to do with all the emotions that are lingering and such.

I just as assume let them go.

I feel like I have woken up an entirely new woman!

So far:

Sunday: Woke up early, went to farmers market with mom. I love the farmers market. It truly makes you feel like you are a part of something. People are happy at the farmers market. They are talking to you, asking how you are. It's nothing like going to a grocery store. I really feel this was the turning point for me.

Honestly, it started with these:

Some of the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen. I feel like tulips mark a new start. Such as the start of spring. Spring is supposed to be a rebirth (take easter for example). I feel that tulips are officially my favorite flower. Right now they follow me everywhere, big and open in their beautiful array of colors. They remind you to smile. I love them.

Monday (today): Woke up at a decent time. I will not be attending my 7:30am french class at SCC any longer so I can get a little more sleep. Went to ballet, took a pretty basic vocab test.

Because we were just going to take the test the studio was free for the next hour or so. Our professor let us students take it over to practice for our skills test on Wednesday.

There is nothing like getting a chaine turn perfectly right. I did them over and over and it feels like floating! Ballet is so fabulous! It gives me so much confidence in myself. Ballet is really a philosophy for life!

Then I met up with my friend Moody and we hit the mall. The mall was the mall. But Macy's had some adorable things! They got that delicious brand Lush. I can't wait to try out all the good smelly things.

Went to Victoria Secret. They also had some great stuff. Tshirts that felt sooo sooo soooo soft!

Then Bath and Body Works. They just have so many great things! I need to stock up this weekend.

Then we went and got the most delicious froyo at Big Spoon. There is a cupcakery across the way that has fabulous flavors (and is my favorite) but they were closed! I am PMSing pretty hard this month, Moody is preggo and I refuse to take NO for an answer on the topic of cupcakes! So on the hunt we went! 

I got Death by Chocolate cake and Moody got this fabulous carmel mousse concoction from Rick's Desert Diner. Sure I feel a little sick. Don't judge! 

Later I will hit the gym, of course!

Tomorrow I have my new french class at 8am and poli sci. Then the gym. The bulk of the week should go pretty normal. Friday I am excited to get back to knitting. I hope to start my first cylindrical project. Probably a baby something for moody.

Fill in the Blank Friday.

1.   The best day ever was       .

2.  My favorite meal of the day is     breakfast   because  , well, all the best foods are served for breakfast. If its not breakfast you can always (usually) get breakfast foods at anytime. They are usually warm and sweet and uhmazing  .

3.  This weekend      I am jam packed with things to do! Hopefully despite the rain the knitting group is still going on. Saturday I am going to study with Janelle which I am excited about and Sunday is farmers market day!! Best weekend yet  .

4.  Never in my life have I    done any hard drugs. I know it sounds extreme but there have been so many occasions as a youngen that I could have. I went to a really bad high school to say the least (ever seen Dangerous Minds? No joke, the movie was based off my high school) I have been offered acid before my high school french class and most my ex high school friends are all meth heads from what I hear. I am really proud I never did any of that crap  .

5.  The only thing better than      donuts   is      cupcakes, they are only comparable in sweetness at times but really, cupcakes are superior hands down.

6.  I could really do with some      Coffee and a donut.  Can you tell I'm really wanting a donut?  I think a trip to Voodoo on my break may be in order (seconded Lauren. I plan on taking my lil sis to Voodoo when I come up for spring break)  .

7.  The most recent thing I bought myself was    a really cute shirt I got on sale at Target and something else but I forget.

Said shirt

Today's Loves

Today started out really rough.

But got so much better.

Source for both photos

We have a skills test coming up. Set up was essentially a circuit of stations to work on all different things; tendu's, Grande Battement's, and chaine turns! I did chaine turns until I couldn't do them anymore and its soooo much fun! I also learned at least 2 new stretches to help my turn out, I need a little work on my turn out. Ballet usually will turn any bad day into a great one for me!

I spent a whole 2 hours at the gym today! It was fantastic! I was concerned because I have been down for about a week thanks to being sick. However I completely kicked some serious butt on the treadmill and tried a few new machines. I was sad to learn that this area of my gym that has full wall of mirrors and beautiful hardwood floor will soon be gone. I love stretching in peace over there and practicing some ballet (cause the mirrors). It was originally for classes but no one ever signs up (mine is a gym in which people just come to pump iron really) so they are giving that area back to the landlord as opposed to paying rent on it, sad. There was some fantastic eye candy at the gym though. I usually don't tend to notice that, I go to the gym to work out, I am the girl dressed in what is practical with no make up on and my hair up. I mean business. But I am alright with myself looking. No way would I date anyone the way my life is right now.

Tomorrow:

Test in political Science (crosses fingers and pockets my lucky penny)

Going to sweet talk my old french teacher at ARC and try and get back in. I see no point in going to SCC if I can't even get 2 units on top of the 4 I have with french there to get my loan check. I give up. Besides, I have the book and all the materials for the ARC class and I would be out extra money if I stayed in SCC french. Hopefully she will be kind and let me back in!

I am hopeful though.

Alright, back to studying things like the difference between symbolic and pure speech. You think my blog would pass the Miller test? (good lord I am nerd!!!!)

Speechless...almost

Today was no better.
I went to the gym for the first time since I have been sick, which is about a week.
I decided on the way back, however I love that gym, I can't go there anymore. Its such a great personable gym, I love the key cards you have to have to get in, no contract all that. But its right by my ex boyfriends house which was horribly convenient when we were together and now that we aren't well...it's quite a trek from where I live.
I was shocked that my work out didn't raise my spirits at all. Work outs for me usually do. I just have too much on my mind. I have mentioned the math. School being a stressor is by far #1 on the reasons as to why I am the lowest I have been in awhile. Number 2 is that I am sick of feeling like a horrible human. I just wish I had the ability to only care about myself. I wish I never had any emotion towards anyone but me. Honestly, I am horribly depressed at the prospect that there are no such thing as a male that could care for anyone but himself. I see my dad and he cares for his wife, he secretly cares for my sister and is only just now going public with his care for me. Other than that, I have no example of this elusive caring, tender, thoughtful, good hearted man that I see on TV or in books.

By far, the worst week I have had since I can't even remember. I don't want to go into too much more detail. I just wish I had someone understanding and caring around. Or just some math help.

PS.
If you read this. I wish I was you. Because I would have no clue what it was to hurt someone so badly.

Rough start.

I've had a really rough start to my week thus far.
Not sure I have felt this low in quite some time.
Its a struggle. I need guidance pretty bad and no one to help.
I did something the other night I could have never predicted I would do. But I was desperate.
Its been years since someone has laughed at me when I was trying to simply be honest.
It still hurts as much as it did when I was younger.
Will someone please explain to me how people can change so vastly so fast?
Be this really nice, good, warm hearted person at one point and turn to someone so cold. So cold they would laugh at you when you are trying to be open?


My life is school. My entire transferring to the school I want rides on math. Thats right. It completely rides on me finishing math in a timely manner. That may not sound like a big deal to you. However, I am in pre-algebra and I still have 2 or 3 more math classes until I get to statistics. Then I will finally be able to take research methods in psychology which is my last required class. My goal is to be ready to enroll spring 2011. If I don't get this math done then I wont be able to enroll when I want and prolong, what I feel as, the next steps of my life (remember, school is my life). I don't want to sit in this limbo (however my whole life is that, we're together, but not, we are friends, but not. The world needs to make up its mind!). I need help! I am not too proud to beg. I have a math lab, and from time to time I can leech off of my friend to help me a little (which is soooo soooo greatly appreciated!!!!!!! I should buy him a coffee or something. Yeah you Friend).


So tell me, does this sound illogical to you? That I would take help where ever and whenever it would be offered?


Isn't this a fantastic dance by the way? Maria Kochetkova is the ballerina. She is simply fantastic! I love the ending the best. I can totally relate.